“If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try.” -Seth Godin
Life can be a very unpredictable whirlwind. And while I wouldn’t have it any other way, being 27 years old and having no clue as to what my next move is going to be can be daunting, and at times a bit stressful. My head and my heart are constantly at battle, and what I think to be “practical” often conflicts with what I’m most passionate about and inspired by.
I was once a creature of routine. I was content with my life at the time, but looking back I don’t think I was ever truly fulfilled with the life I had. The steady relationship, the 9 to 5, the long-term plans for my future. Plans that never came to fruition. I went with it as gracefully as I could, and made new plans. Those, too, didn’t turn out how I expected them to. Jobs, relationships, goals, dreams…everything changes. And over time I have transformed from this creature of routine into a girl who wakes up in the morning, completely unsure of what the day will bring. This doesn’t come without anxiety (trust me I am no stranger to freak-outs), but it is a lifestyle I have learned to embrace and one that I truly enjoy.
Fortunately I have the discipline to sustain my nomadic lifestyle, not just as a blogger, but primarily through digital marketing consulting and in launching my own practice almost two years ago. Working around the clock is much more rewarding when you are doing it for yourself.
I was at wits end working on other peoples’ terms. I took a leap of faith, as I have done so many times, and I like to look at it as a successful one — highly strenuous, but fulfilling at the same time. My life is a motherfucking hustle, but I get to work while hiding out in a cabin upstate, and having deer run by me as I drink my morning
wine coffee. Or road trip through the desert and explore magical places I never even knew existed.
But here I am finding myself at a crossroads, yet again. I left Paris exactly one month ago to return home for my cousin’s wedding and figure out if France would take me back for a longer time period than the 3-months a tourist is allowed to stay. I jumped through many a hoop, but am very excited to share that I got approved for a 1-year visa TODAY! Something I do feel to be a personal milestone of sorts, as they don’t exactly make it easy. Now I have the freedom to return to the city I quickly fell in love with, continue exploring Europe, and experience more of the world.
This is something I was very certain that I wanted, and I remain eager to pick up where I left off at the end of last month. But at the same time being “home” in Los Angeles and New York, seeing friends, and spending time with the people I care about most, does bring up questions in the back of my mind that I guess I will have to accept leaving unanswered for now.
One thing I cannot do is live a life filled with “what if’s”, even though this does mean experiencing some inevitable sadness and frustration. Knowing I am leaving behind some of the best years of my life with the best people, unmade memories, opportunities I’ll never see through, and most of all, unfinished love (a love that has grown to be quite important to me), isn’t easy. But I guess I can justify it with the knowledge that my decisions are driven by a passion that’s helping me become a stronger and more independent individual. This is a passion that cannot be satisfied right here and right now. And so I keep on moving…
At the end of the day, routine or no routine, none of us really know what each day could bring. Some of us have a better idea than others, but predicting the future is impossible. I found having unfulfilled expectations to be more upsetting than some might, and so now I try to expect nothing and go wherever the wind blows.
For me, finding the perfect husband or settling down in one place to raise a family, something I undoubtedly want for myself one day, simply cannot take priority over continuing on my road toward self-discovery (sorry, Mom). Perhaps I seek comfort in being uncomfortable, but for now I choose to be married to a life of adventure. And even though this relationship won’t always be easy, at the end of the day at least I know it is one that I can commit to with sparkling eyes and butterflies in my stomach the whole way through.
*wearing a very delicate lace dress by TheWhole9Yards, an amazing brand I was introduced to in France (even when it comes to fashion, there is so much to discover abroad)!