It is a bizarre and familiar feeling to be so utterly inspired and disinterested at the same time…
To wake up with so much hope and gratitude, while simultaneously feeling like my bones may crumble to dust if someone says the “wrong” thing.
Life can be a faulty, volatile, jolting roller coaster. Minutes can go by before I realize that I’ve practically forgotten to inhale…
But, if you aren’t struggling, at least a little bit, then what the fuck are you doing?
OWN IT: who you were, who you are, who you want to become…and don’t forget to keep on learning along the way.
Do you want to listen to one song on repeat…
Over and over and over again, until you are taking your last breath, wishing you had heard all of the music?
Is that monotony alone not enough to kill you?
Who wants to return to the same unfulfilling job, day after day, with no aspirations for bigger and better?
Who wants to make a routine of reoccurring conversations with the same people, about the same bullshit, at the same depressing bar?
Who wants to crawl into bed each night, defeated, next to a person who owns your heart but doesn’t keep it locked up in a place that feels safe? Someone who holds you because they love you enough to know you need it, but not because they want to feel the closeness you’re starving for…
I do know that this this is not what I want.
Personally, I am okay with living on the edge of a cliff. If being excited also means being scared and taken off guard, from time to time, I’ll try and keep on rolling with it.
I want to put myself in risky situations where possibilities are endless. I want to let the world throw me curveballs, so that I can go through the process of swinging and missing, slowly learn how to hit them, potentially strike out from time to time, but eventually be able to knock that shit out of the park. I’m willing to work for my personal home run.
Do I want to fall? Of course not – who does? But I will fall, just as I have done time and time again. And I will pick myself back up…the same way that I always have. I imagine each time it will get a little bit easier. Shake it off and prepare yourself for whatever may come next – be it beautiful or trying.
Embracing challenges is vital to facing, and overcoming, life’s inevitable hurdles…the challenges that help mold us as human beings and, ultimately, define our character. Without struggle one can never fully appreciate the brightness that surrounds us.
I want to discover true love – the kind that doesn’t make love hurt so much. I’ve had two great loves, both of which left me feeling thankful and sad. But they didn’t make me lose faith. And who knows, maybe one of those love stories isn’t over yet. I hope it’s not.
I think I will find the right person as soon as I can find my bearings. Once I am able to fully love myself, and be the right person…to look in the mirror and feel contentment rather than anxiety. We’re all capable of this, I believe, as long we keep our minds and our hearts in the right place.
I want to find a guy as crazy as I am to laugh, talk, and fully enjoy my life with, without hurting him. Not because I need it, but because I would rather share my curiosity with someone majestic than live through the magic all alone.
It’s sort of like waffles…I would eat them plain if I was really hungry, but I’d prefer to have them with syrup, strawberries, and three mimosas. Why settle for something that only leaves you longing for more?
At the end of the day, I want to be “happy”, just like everyone else on this wild earth. But I have come to acknowledge that the cut-and-dry, dictionary definition for this powerful word is sort of a sham.
“Happy” is more than a word. It is a sentiment that means something different to every person you pass by on the street…my version of “happy” is not the same as anyone else’s.
I think “happy” means taking that occasional, sometimes fleeting, but triumphantly powerful inspiration that anyone with a flicker of passion feels at one point or another, and storing it somewhere safe. It means opening your heart, allowing it to be broken without completely giving up hope, holding on to your morals and beliefs as if they are your most valuable possessions, having integrity, falling down, figuring out how to regain your strength when you feel completely dick slapped by everything and everyone around you, broadening your horizons with each and every tick of the clock, and putting your playlist on shuffle.
Don’t listen to the same song on repeat or do the same stupid dance over and over and over again, wishing you had experienced more of the music. There is so much music, and so much life. And the best part is, it’s never too late to experience, take a deep breath, and enjoy the wild, unpredictable and wondrous ride.
*head to toe: Christina Economou Oversized T-shirt, Christina Economou Collage Jupe Culottes (more rompers and playsuits here), Tantocosì by Riviere Borsa Milano Scala bag via Capolavori (similar satchel styles here)
Photography by MiG Ayesa